There is no spoon

For today's post I have written about 2 1/2 pages of reasons why I do not like Japan. It wasn't because I wanted to complain. It was because the list was the opposite of the post that I made a few days ago about all the things that I love about Japan. It's like Yin and Yang. You have one side and then the other. Complaining about the country does not mean that I don't love it. There are probably even more things to complain about my own country. Basically these posts have been me just farting out whatever's been on my mind. When I drafted those two pages the thought on my mind was, “huh if I post a list of good things I should also post a list of negative things.” however, I changed my mind and decided not to post the list of things that I don't like because I didn't want to focus on negativity.

Shifting focus is something I learned a long time ago. Our reality is shaped by our minds. If we envision ourselves in a negative state then that negative state becomes our reality. On the other hand, if we tend to focus on the positive side of life, then that positivity becomes our reality. In truth, negativity and positivity are both subjective ideas and mean something completely different to each person. Although I'm certain there would be many readers who would agree with the list of grievances I was going to post, I wasn't so sure about wanting to be in that negative mind space today. I have literally been to hell and back. I have fought many demons along the way and the only thing that helped me to get through to the other side of that darkness was my undying devotion to seeing some positivity in the world around me.

If you recall just a few posts ago, I talked about the battle I had with Graves' disease. That was a very important time in my life and one that I often reference because it marked a great change. It reminds me of the story of the Phoenix that burst into a ball of flames and was reborn from its own Ashes. I am that phoenix reborn from the Ashes felt my life once was. Before my rebirth though, I had a very frightening experience. The medication they were giving me for my illness was supposed to balance out my hormonal load so that my body and brain could function well. Unfortunately, it's not an exact science and so in the beginning the doctor wasn't sure about the dosage. The levels of hormones in my body were still way off kilter.

Now here comes the frightening part. I remember it was the year 2012 because that was the year that the Mayans predicted the end of the world. In many ways they were right because my world had ended. I couldn't work or function very well and the only thing that kept me going was my focus on a project that I was working on. I sunk myself into it with all of my energy as a way of keeping my mind off of my own disease. At one point, perhaps because of this imbalance of hormones or the intense depression I felt at that the fact that my life had fallen apart, I had an auditory hallucination. I could hear the voices of demons talking to me and saying such horrible things. They told me that my life had no meaning and that I would always be worthless. It scared the crap out of me because it literally sounded like someone was whispering in a harsh raspy voice in both of my ears. It seemed real.

At that time I understood how people who are suffering from mental illness could commit suicide. After the demons’ whispers, I felt complete emptiness and hopelessness. But then I remembered a lesson that I learned in my 20s which I cannot really go into here. Suffice it to say that in that lesson, I discovered that the difference between negative experience and positive experience comes mostly from the mind. I learned how to shift my way of thinking so that I did not have to sit in the darkness. Once I remembered this lesson, I face the demons and said to them, “I am a being of light. What you are telling me is not true because I love, have been loved, and am loved. I repeated this to myself over and over again until the voices faded away.

I know that it was a hallucination brought on by an extreme case of hormonal imbalance. But it can also be that my physical condition was a manifestation of negativity that I had not been able to get rid of. Whether it's the chicken or the egg, I don't know which came first but I do know love is what saved me and remembering that is how I reshaped reality.

I don't believe in super mystical junk like The Secret. I don't think bags of money are going to fall suddenly at my front door. But I do know that part of that book is true. Perception and thought are the foundations for our life and the reality we experience. All of this long winded explanation is to exlain why I didn't publish my list of things that I don't like. Maybe I'll change my mind again tomorrow. Maybe

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